Anyway, at the halfway stage the reigning champions, Rubin, sit atop the pile with 28 points. The Kazan club, in fine fettle in front of goal, slotting home a very healthy 27 goals in their 15 matches. Now I’m certainly no mathematical genius (on my own report card from year 9 my maths teacher, when required to provide teachers comments simply wrote “Peter Oliver, retired aged 13!”), but Rubin fans have seen a return of almost two goals a match from Gurban Berdiyew’s men. It’s not just their forwards that have done well, so far their miserly defence have only been beaten 12 times. Only FC Moscow have a better record, so far, this campaign and their back line makes Ebenezer Scrooge look like a Philanthropist. Well done to Rubin - top of the class, homework always done on time, plays well with others, and brings an apple for teacher.

Below the sickeningly well turned out table toppers lie the pretenders to the throne, Spartak Moscow. I feel slightly responsible for Spartak’s barren spell of recent trophy less seasons. The Krasno Beley haven’t lifted a cup since I started watching the league 4 years ago. I hope this doesn’t prompt Spartak fans to start a campaign to have me tarred, feathered and drummed out of Russia sat backwards on a donkey, ‘cause I like it here. Spartak are only 1 point behind Rubin and ahead of FC Moscow thanks to having won one more match. They also have the leagues joint top scorer on their books - Welliton has found the back of the net 8 times this campaign and has seemingly established himself as a Spartak mainstay, after a somewhat unconvincing start. Spartak are much improved this season following the appointment of Valery Karpin as caretaker boss, however, I can’t see past Rubin for the title this year and they may have to settle for second best, again.

FC Moscow occupies the third Champions League spot, managed by the meticulous Montenegrin Miodrag Bozovic; a man who was nicknamed “The Count” in Serbia due to his elegance and grace as a player. Bozovic has put together a team that may not have scored as many as other teams around them, but defensively they are as tight as a fish’s bum, the keeper only having to pick the ball out of the net 7 times this campaign. They are another side like Spartak who have knuckled down after a poor showing in 2008. Similar to Spartak, they also benefited from a change in manager - with the red and whites disposing of Danish legend Michael Laudrup, FC Moscow gave Oleg Blokhin the bullet at the end of last season. The decision to drop Blokhin was certainly one which pleased SportScene; the Ukrainian’s ranting would have the potential to be hilariously entertaining, if he wasn’t a jingoistic racist. (See his “Zumba-Bumba” comments from 2006) Now that they are associating with better characters their work has been greatly improved.

Elsewhere the words “could do better” are being written in the margin next to CSKA, Dynamo and Zenit’s reports. Lokomotiv have to write “I must not concede as many goals away from home” over and over until they get the message. And basement club Khimki’s report card just has “Please see me!” scrawled in large letters across it.