In the laziness and torpor of a damp and dreary Sunday afternoon, I decided to brighten things up with a bit of Bond. James Bond. (Sorry, I couldn't resist the obvious joke).

As Auric Goldfinger smirked down over our temporarily incapacitated hero, there followed one of my all-time favourite cinematic exchanges:

“Do you expect me to talk?”
“No, Mr Bond. I expect you to die!”

They don't write 'em like that any more! And with that, the arch super-villian bumbled off as a big laser prepared to seperate 007 from the one part of his body that sees more action than his trigger finger. As if you needed reminding, this didn't happen and Sean Connery went on to save the day and get the girl.

Anyway, the point of this little jaunt down memory lane is that, in 1964, the world was quite happy to believe that, now we had these laser thingymabobs, they would soon be at the forefront of the next generation of military technology.

Indeed, if I cast my memory back to my days as a pasty student of literature in dusty libraries, I seem to recall that Alexey Tolstoy was quite enamoured with the idea as far back as 1927 when he published “The Hyperboloid of Engineer Garin.” All the more impressive given the fact that no-one actually managed to invent the laser until 1960. Ten points to big Al. But I'm getting sidetracked so I'll get back to the cut-and-thrust. I'm sure you are very busy and find my scenic route to the point tiresome.

So for decades it's been assumed that we'd all be firing ray guns and that cops and robbers would be having laser shootouts before the year was out. But in truth, the first working laser weapons are only just beginning to be produced.

Thankfully these weapons are not in the hands of a large lunatic with a kinky predaliction for painting naked girls gold and killing them. At least I don't think so. It doesn't sound like Barack Obama's thing does it?

America and Israel have successfully completed tests of a missile defence system that is capable of shooting missiles out of the sky using a highly powerful laser beam. The idea now is to make a mobile version that can be fitted to a truck to protect cities and military bases. The technology is already there and working, but the fiddly process of design and engineering is currently providing the only stumbling block. Of course lasers have been used in sighting and targetting for a long time now, but this is the first glimpse of the kind of laser weapon that Han Solo or Luke Skywalker might understand. And it's still a long way from Ronnie Reagan's Star Wars idea that frankly seemed a bit far-fetched even in the 80s really, and I was a schoolboy who, at the time, had a lot less difficulty believing that Michael J Fox was dipping about between the past and future like it was a trip to the shops.

Is it all a good idea? Does a planet which already has enough nuclear weapons to blow itself up many times over need another ridiculously powerful way for people to clobber each other? Perhaps not, but it's going to happen so we might as well just get used to it and try and play together nicely like good little boys and girls, enjoy the geeky knowledge that we have cracked the old laser thing at last and concentrate on making other sci-fi toys a reality. My particular votes are for hovvering skateboards and teleportation. I've spent too many precious hours of my life idling in airports and it would be a welcome change. Although I bet there'd still be a lot of fuss and bureaucracy at customs.

So anyway, this month's show will be about those little red beams and all its new uses, which are mainly not military as it happens. There's also the distinct possibility that it will feature my debut as a rapper. Now there is an image to conjure with, or dread, depending on how confident you are in my ability not to make a complete spectacle of myself.

Finally for this week, I'd like to wish you all a very happy St. Patrick's Day for the seventeenth, particularly those of you from the Emerald Isle itself. If you happen to be attending the parade in Moscow on Sunday, you may notice a short man in a green rugby shirt grinning like a moron and very possibly singing ‘The Fields of Athenry’ with lots of gusto but little regard for the actual tune. Do not be concerned. He will be entirely harmless. It will just mean that the day before, Ireland won a rugby grand slam for the first time in sixty-one years, and Ryan is a very happy boy. Seriously, St Patrick, if you're reading this, it has been an awfully long time and don't you think you could have a word with your boss and explain that it would be a nice thing to do? I don't expect you to post a reply or anything, I'll just keep an eye out on Sunday with my heart in my mouth.