Now, unless you are a first time reader of this blog, you probably know I am a big fan of scientists and tech boffins… but every now and again the human soul suffers a dispiriting blow.

It is sad to report that some of these generally innocuous and pleasant people are just taking the Mickey. They are having a laugh – and at our expense. I gawped when I read this week that a couple of years ago two scientists at the American Institute of Chemical Engineering published a detailed research paper titled “Will Humans swim faster or slower in syrup?” Who needs to know this? Who allowed these men to waste their time and intelligence on a theoretical debate over whether Michael Phelps would be better off doing laps in treacle or in chlorinated water? They should be pelted with rotten fruit until they see the error of their ways. It's an absolutely shameless and blatant example of scientists messing about in the lab.

Here's another one: a New Zealander working in Finland 'used the principles of Physics to discover the pressure accumulated inside a penguin when it emits feces'. Staggering. Breathtakingly pointless. Did he wake up one morning and think:

“Hmm…this nuclear energy, it's terribly dirty and dangerous. If only there was a viable green alternative…Hang on a minute!! Surely we could harness the powers of aquatic birds going to the toilet. I must investigate further… Aha! Looks like the zoos of the world are an undiscovered gold mine. I'll make a pretty penny out of this – make no mistake!”

..? I do hope he didn't. I'd feel terrible if my blog was to become a forum for mocking the mentally challenged.

On the subject of alternative energy some other wastrel has discovered that if you shout constantly for eight years seven months and six days, the sound energy produced would heat a cup of coffee. Well I'm sure at thirty six year of age I will fancy a hot beverage so I'd better start now:

THE MAN WHO DISCOVERED THIS IS A CHARLATAN AND A GIBBERING IDIOT

…On second thoughts why don't I just put the kettle on as and when I fancy a coffee? Yes, on balance, I think that's a better plan.

I can only hope these people feel very small at their departmental brunches, that somewhere along the line they will have a Road to Damascus-esque revelation. I can quite picture the scene:

(It's the science department's Christmas get together on a University campus in some nameless city. Shloer and cheap nibbles are in abundance on nasty trestle tables. Men in tweed jackets with leather patches exchange pleasantries, make nasty remarks at the expense of the weather, and wordlessly try to decide who has the ugliest children.)

Dr Brian Pointless: So, Phil… been busy?
Dr Phil Niceman: Yeah, still snowed under trying to find that cure for cancer. I think we're doing some great stuff. Very absorbing and rewarding let me tell you.
Dr Brian: mmmmm…yeah.
Dr Phil: And what about you?
Dr Brian: Still trying to answer that great unknown.
Dr Phil: Oh?
Dr Brian: What's the biggest dog an eight year old asthmatic can knock out with one punch?
(Dr. Phil glares and imagines what it would be like to bludgeon Dr. Brian with a Bunsen burner all the while wondering how much money his halfwit contemporary is being paid and who on earth funds him.)
Dr Brian: I think we're on the verge of…
Dr Phil: You are a cretin. A base man. A sorry sorry excuse for a human being. I am leaving. Should we meet again I will hit you in the face.

I like to think that Dr Brian would have a quiet word with himself and think, “Oh my goodness gracious me, I'm wasting my life. This is tedious foolishness. I will go and try to atone to the good lord for all my follies.”

Some scientists have lofty ambitions and noble causes. Others merely possess the curious nature to look at a problem and follow the path to a solution wherever it may lead them, but who honestly wants to know how much bellowing will warm coffee to an acceptable drinking temperature? Who yearns to see a world where teams of power plant workers lob sardines at distressed penguins to fuel the world's thirst for energy? And what simpering jackanape is still hoping I will tell them whether optimal swimming conditions occur in syrup or water?

If your answer to that last one is “MemememememeMEEEEEEEEEEE!!” then at http://www3.interscience.wiley.com for the staggering price of $US 25 the secret to your heart's desire may be purchased. May God have mercy on your wretched soul, however.

The statements, views and opinions expressed in this column are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of RT.