If my Russian was fluent, I may have phrased the question in a different way, but would certainly have been prepared for what the answer might be. I tend to limit my questions in Russian, as there always seems to be some obstacle precluding me from attaining whatever goal I was hoping for. I may get the question out OK, but if I don’t get the desired outcome, I can be all at sea. Like the time I decided to start swimming for exercise.

Finding a conveniently-located pool was the first step. I was then forced to see a doctor to obtain a medical certificate testifying that I was fit to swim. The fact that this is valid for 6 months gave me newfound respect for the foresight of Russian physicians – they can predict that I won’t get sick for half a year! Truly inspirational. Actually, that part’s not true: I didn’t go to the doctor. I bought the “spravka” (certificate) from a forger via the Internet for 300 rubles, but it was just as effective. It declared me “fit” for six months and got me into the water. Having finally got to the stage of diving in, I was confronted by the lifeguard after my first lap, alerting me to the fact that I was required to wear a bathing cap in the pool. I pointed out to him that I am almost completely bald, but it didn’t make any difference. I asked him if I should also be wearing stockings, as I have more hair on my legs than my head, but I was given the all-clear on that score. The point of this story came at what turned out to be the last straw for me: when I was told I couldn’t swim on my second visit as it was “pensioner day” (I thought my baldness might count for something here too, but it refuses to pay off for me). No signs: you just had to know.

This is clearly not a matter of linguistic differences. Rather there are cultural differences coming into play. Russians don’t see the need to save themselves from future aggravated customers by posting a sign that will save these people two hours out of their day, and may even give them some residual goodwill towards the business.

If you think I’m being unkind towards Russians, you’re right, but I’m not saying that this doesn’t happen elsewhere in the world. And this is my main point.

The very fact that I had to qualify that my attitude to this issue is not exclusively directed towards Russians is indicative of my wariness about being misinterpreted. It’s also representative of the ability for native speakers of the same language completely to misunderstand one another.

Of course there are seemingly-limitless opportunities for regional varieties of English, for example, to cause all sorts of problems. I recall, when in the United States many years ago, a couple of American guys asking me if the term “wanker” was a positive or negative one, having recently been called that by a young Australian woman. I, of course, claimed it was one of the most flattering monikers in Australian (and British) vernacular. The girl was right, by the way.

On one of my rare visits to the pub, I recently voiced the personal opinion that a certain actor is, whilst very talented, very ugly. My audience of three or four fellow water-drinkers immediately rounded on me, saying things like, “We can’t all be Adonis” and other comments to that effect. The impression I got of their perception of what I had said was that I must, in voicing this opinion, think I am handsome. Nothing could be further from the truth (the thinking, I mean), and I still don’t understand how, in making a subjective judgment of someone else’s looks, it somehow relates to a comparison with mine. If I said, “Oh such and such is so handsome,” would it mean that I’m not – or think I’m not - or is this only applicable in the reverse? (This is what’s known as a rhetorical question, so please don’t feel the need to respond in the comments section with an appraisal of my photograph.)

We constantly misread people’s intentions in saying certain things, and it’s often based on our preconceptions, our cultural and social responses to certain issues and stimuli, and simply what kind of mood we’re in at the time. Clearly, this is an extension of my last column, but I’m referring more specifically to misinterpretations of issues between friends, family members and even partners. The old “male versus female” chestnut falls squarely into this category, but I shall leave it as fodder for other commentators. I haven’t the stomach for that, as I think I got a shrimp in my salad.