The scariest holiday of the year – and the best occasion for attitudinal dress-up – may be marred by this year’s economic crisis as many will consider it a waste to actually buy a new costume for a Halloween party. But R

We’ll start our hit-chart with the most expensive costume, which may cost up to 15 bucks – if you shop outside Costco. For this you’ll need to purchase blue and red paper cups and a large can of shortening. At the party spot groups of people chatting or laughing together, break into their conversations, promise to lower taxes and demand that everyone chooses either a red or a blue cup. No matter what color they prefer, smear everyone with a handful of shortening – so that everyone instantly understands you are dressed up as the ’08 U.S. Presidential Campaign.

The second most expensive solution is for ladies only. It will take you to a 99Cent store – you need to find a pair of rectangular glasses. Put your hair up, put on whatever it is you once bought in Macy’s or purchased with your husband’s/boyfriend’s credit card. When talking to people at the party, always wink with your left eye. If asked any kind of question, answer either “I can see Russia from my kitchen window” or “There is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.” Hardly anyone at the party will miss a chance to express their admiration with your Sarah Palin costume.

Vladimir Kremlev for RT

Another girl-only solution will require only a sharp tongue and pressing manner. Go around telling everyone you do not understand the phenomenon of your husband or why people will ever follow the guy. After all, he has no idea used socks belong in the laundry basket; he snores, his feet smell bad, he leaves the toilet seat up and never helps with the housework. Michelle Obama may be your choice of costume this year – though you do have a slight risk of being taken for regular a grumpy witch.

If you want a quiet evening in the corner, choose the oldest clothing items from your wardrobe, preferably well-holed and moth-eaten, maybe with a few patches. When asked what kind of costume that is, avert any direct eye contact and say you are dressed up as Democracy. In a matter of seconds you’ll be ignored, in two more minutes – totally forgotten.

Environment-minded people will find it easy to express their concerns with the green-house gas emissions and a shameful failure of the Kyoto protocol through this simple costume. Put on everything white and soak yourself in a shower. Run around with a bottle of water, pouring it into people’s drinks and coffees screeching “Global warming! Polar ice melting! Water levels rising!” When asked why the devil you do it, admit that you represent an endangered species – an Iceberg.

Vladimir Kremlev for RT

When you are one the most trusted friends of the party host, you’ll most probably be asked to give a hand in the kitchen. For that purpose wear something extremely cheap and bright, preferably with a proud label ‘Made In China’. While cutting sandwiches and mixing punch, remember to spray a bit of bug killer into each dish you touch. Explain your actions by saying, “I’m taking care of your proteins! I’m Chinese Dried Milk Product!”

If you are invited with a group of friends, ask everyone to wear a plain t-shirt and agree on the colors so that there are no exact matches. When you arrive at the party, start running around and bumping into people and each other – all together you are a Hadron Collider. If your friends are a bunch of big guys optionally well-equipped with a heavy beer belly, call yourself a Large Hadron Collider. Before you leave the party be sure to leave a black hole in place of the fridge and all the party platters.

Vladimir Kremlev for RT

A man wearing a barrel might seem like an old idea, but 2008 is exactly the time you’d want to wear this suit, with a little correction – it’s an Oil barrel. Since the price of it is going down by the day, make your barrel from cheap plastics or better even use scrap paper, but no staples – metals are too expensive these days.

A mixed couple should not wear any clothes that differ from a casual office look. Only make sure you meet people at the door and offer them all kinds of comforts – take their shoes, bags, coats and whatever they may bring to the cloak-room. Smile and be as nice/sweet as is humanly possible. Only at the end of the party, when people understand you’ve taken all their belongings – or at least picked out the most valuable items – will they realize you’ve been dressed up as Fanny&Freddie.

If you are habitually dressing up as a zombie, this year you do not need to waste cash on acrylic blood and green-gray-rotten face paint. Put on a regular Wall-Street looking suit, greet all the people at the party with a senseless vitreous gaze and give out badly printed (use a home printer or a really cheap copy shop) business cards saying “Lehman brothers.” Screams of horror guaranteed.

Have a good party!
Ever yours,
RT