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Porn prepares for the apocalypse

Published time: September 13, 2011 18:07
Edited time: September 13, 2011 22:46
Porn studio Pink Visual plans to build an underground bunker that will protect their performers from the 2012 apocalypse - and let them continue to produce some serious smut. Photo from pinkvisualpad.com.

Porn studio Pink Visual plans to build an underground bunker that will protect their performers from the 2012 apocalypse - and let them continue to produce some serious smut. Photo from pinkvisualpad.com.

The population of Van Nuys, California is barely 150,000, yet the Los Angeles neighborhood is a host to all the hallmarks you’ll find along the booming Hollywood Hills.

There are breathtaking views, million-dollar homes and celebrity hangouts all along Sylvan Street.

Yet deep underneath the surface in this San Fernando Valley suburb, a subterranean operation is beginning to be built that only a select few are going to be a part of. It’s a little bit Bat Cave with a dash of Playboy Mansion and all the accommodations you’d expect in an apocalyptic bomb shelter.

A pornography studio by the name of Pink Visual is beginning groundwork on an underground bunker that will insure that, come the 2012 apocalypse, whoever is left standing will still be safe from the aftermath of riots, looting, fires and zombies. And, of course, that the rest of the surviving world will still able to get their porno.

The press release from Pink Visual is blunt. Then again, when you’re in the adult entertainment biz, you learn that cutting to the chase is often all too necessary:

We’re building an enormous underground bunker in preparation for the Apocalypse that various prognosticators and ancient calendar interpreters have predicted will take place in December of 2012.”

Pink Visual takes no time in answering the obvious questions:

“Yes, we’re serious about this.”

“No, I mean it: we really are building a great big underground bunker.”

“Our goal is nothing less than to survive the apocalypse to come in comfort and luxury,” says spokesman Quentin Boyer. “Whether that catastrophe takes the form of fireballs flung Earthward by an all-seeing deity, extended torrential rainfall, Biblical rapture, an earthquake-driven mega-tsunami, radioactive flesh-eating zombies or some combination of the above,” Boyer intends on letting the billion-dollar porn industry live on, come hell or high water. Literally.

Pink Visual isn’t giving out an exact address of where their operations will relocate to, but they intend on making it as self-sustainable as possible. Think the Bio-Dome but with blow jobs. The company adds that the facility will include multiple bars with premium liquor, an operational microbrewery, stripper poles, topless dance stages and, of course, “a sophisticated content production studio.”

And in the spirit of pornography, don’t let your imagination do the work for you — Pink Visual intends on actually publishing their floor plans in the weeks ahead.

The studio adds that they want to have enough room for their staff and “talent,” but they are also suggest that family members and maybe some fans might be able to get in on their apocalypse-proof abode. "We started to think of all the performers, fans and business partners that helped make Pink Visual the success it is today, and we simply couldn’t bear the thought of leaving all those wonderful people behind to face the End of Days," says Boyer. “Being a customer of ours certainly won’t hurt your chances” at a guest-spot on the exclusive list, adds their website. The press release says they’ll be sending our selection criteria for bunker inhabitants soon, which is surely to be one hell of an application process. (“Gang Bang Squad Volume 21” came out only this June, so a casting call for the next edition’s stars is surely on the horizon.)

How much will an underground bunker/strip club/”sophisticated” porno studio cost? Pink Visual isn’t saying, but spokespeople say it will be worth it. “If the Apocalypse does happen, we’re in good shape, while all the people currently saying we’re nuts for building this bunker will be the ones who find themselves screwed,” Pink writes.

And if, for some crazy reason, the world does not end at zombies and earthquakes and the rapture don’t destroy the world? “We will still have the coolest bunker on the planet.”

Assuming the world does start ending in the months ahead and you manage to survive Armageddon from your own bomb shelter (whether or not you can produce porn from there is up to you), Pink Visual might still be able to lend a hand. They add that they intend on keeping their website up and going from the bunker, and while it may only be available on their underground, self-contained local network come 2012, they are hoping to be able to still put out porn to the masses from below the surface of the Earth, which, that close to the planet’s core, is sure to allow for some of the hottest adult entertainment ever.

Pink Visual’s official slogan is “We Innovate, You Masturbate.” It might not be as catchy as anything the ad-wizzes at McDonalds or Microsoft can put together, but do the Bill Gates of the world have a fully-functioning porno lair to seek refuge in? Exactly. And Americans wonder how the pornography industry can generate upwards of $14 billion each year. No, it’s not just titles such as “Orgy Sex Parties Volume 13.” It’s the know-how and determination to build an underworld of smut, stripping and nuclear bomb-proof padding.

Though I’m sure the porn doesn’t hurt.

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