‘Goopfellas’: Gwyneth Paltrow’s science-challenged wellness brand wants to rope in gullible men

Gwyneth Paltrow’s infamous wellness empire Goop is expanding its visionary mission of selling overpriced hemorrhoid creams to insecure women: Now the scam will target men, too. Gender equity!

World-renowned for hawking $100 ‘enriching’ face oils and $66 jade eggs that give your vagina Harry Potter powers, Goop has bravely debuted a podcast called ‘Goopfellas’ in the hopes of seducing men to embrace the prohibitively expensive, pseudo-cult Goop lifestyle. The podcast, which will be complemented by a newsletter and a men’s clothing line, will focus on a variety of topics, including mental health, self-care, toxic and modern masculinity, relationships, health and food, and probably which extremely affordable Goop products you should purchase in order to remedy all which ails you.

The Goopfellas podcast is designed to be a “proverbial dinner table,” Dr. Will Cole, Goopfellas podcast co-host, told fashion site Glossy. “We envisioned it as a conversation that isn’t a formal interview but rather a riffing and discussion,” he said. “Men are more private, so this podcast and other Goop initiatives are designed to help them understand that they can get in on the wellness conversation.”

Orifice eggs sold separately, of course.

Founded by actress Gwyneth Paltrow, Goop has come under scrutiny from consumer watchdogs and the US government for its hilariously false marketing claims. For example, last year the company was fined $145,000 after it was determined that Paltrow’s vagina eggs didn’t actually “balance hormones, regulate menstrual cycles, prevent uterine prolapse, and increase bladder control” as advertised.

The company was similarly humiliated a year earlier, when NASA called shenanigans on a line of “healing stickers” allegedly made of the “same conductive carbon material” that the US space agency uses to “monitor an astronaut’s vitals.”

Mark Shelhamer, a former chief scientist at NASA’s human research division, called the claims “a load of BS,” adding that even if NASA used this material it would be for adding strength to the suit and not for monitoring vital signs.

Despite these party-pooping realities, Goop is still valued at $250 million, proving that there are at least dozens of people on earth who will spend $72 on a scented candle. Some of them might even be men. 

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