The Crown just cast an Australian to play Princess Diana and I am in a woke-fueled rage!

If wokeness is going to survive, the scourge of actors portraying characters that are in any way different from themselves must end now.

I consider myself a devout crusader for the Church of Wokeness, a brave Knight of the Woke Table if you will. 

Whenever an injustice is committed here in Hollywood, I am the one who fiercely follows the crowd and does the most courageous thing imaginable… write a scathingly pithy article about it. 

My specialty is scouring the trade papers searching for violations of the new woke Hollywood commandment that ‘Actors shall not portray characters that aren’t exactly identical to them in real life’. I call this the ‘No Acting Allowed’ rule.

This noble calling of mine isn’t an easy one; there are so many micro-aggressions and so little time to cancel all who commit them, but still I soldier on.

The newest and most heinous of injustices that I unearthed occurred the other day, and was so horrifying it literally left me shaking. 

*Trigger Warning for the sensitive – a story of brutal casting violence follows.

The injustice of which I speak is that Netflix just announced that on its hit show The Crown, Princess Diana – the most iconic of British Royals, will be played by Elizabeth Debicki who is… gasp… Australian! 

I know, I know, it is an awful and tone-deaf maneuver, especially considering the history of it all. I mean, Australia really only exists because the British wanted their riff-raff out of sight and mind, and they certainly didn’t want them portraying their most beloved of royals on some binge-worthy tabloid drama. An Australian portraying Princess Diana only highlights how far the once mighty British Empire has fallen.

Think of it this way. Imagine if you will, an Aussie woman worthy of having a TV show or movie made about them – I know it is far-fetched, but just try – and then imagine a non-Australian actress playing that woman. Talk about a dingo stealing your baby!

Now, some people may be thinking that since Elizabeth Debicki is a gloriously gifted actress blessed with exquisite skill and talent that it is just fine for her, despite the black mark of her Aussie background, to play Princess Diana. But that is blasphemy – wokeness never considers ability.

Oscar-winning actress Octavia Spencer concurs, as she recently declared in regards to casting, “Nothing can replace lived experience and authentic representation… it’s imperative that we cast the appropriate actor for the appropriate role.”

What Spencer was actually talking about was the woke sin of able-bodied actors playing disabled characters, but if we follow her ideology to its logical conclusion, we end up crucifying the Aussie interloper Debecki for daring to play the very English Princess Diana. 

I wish there was a woke time machine so we could see who Octavia Spencer would cast instead of Oscar-winner Daniel Day-Lewis in My Left Foot and Oscar-nominee Leonardo DiCaprio in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape.

Those able-bodied bastards are acting abominations. Their crimes are almost as bad as cis-gendered actors playing trans characters. 

Halle Berry recently said she was contemplating playing a trans character, but after being shouted down by my woke comrades, Halle apologized, and the world was once again made safe from acting. 

I wish someone had stopped Felicity Huffman from playing a trans character and scoring an Oscar nomination for her work in the dreadful 2005 movie Transamerica.

Thankfully, we woke got revenge on Huffman when she was sent to prison for that blasphemy. She actually went to prison for trying to bribe a college into admitting her daughter, but that’s beside the point. The important thing is she was ultimately punished!

Another transgressor of woke trans dogma is Scarlett Johansson. ScarJo was set to play a trans man in the film Rub and Tug, but woke warriors fired up the outrage machine and forced her to back out.

In addition, the monstrously white ScarJo had previously earned woke ire when she starred in Ghost in the Shell as a character that was Asian in the original source material. Oh the humanity!

Of course, even if an actor is the same race or ethnicity as a character, they aren’t safe from the righteous sword of wokeness.

Zoe Saldana thought she could play Nina Simone in a bio-pic about the legendary singer. Not without woke outrage, she couldn’t! Saldana’s crime was that she is light-skinned and Simone was dark-skinned; in other words, Zoe Saldana wasn’t black enough. Saldana has since apologized for her deplorable hate crime.

A similar thing happened with Ruby Rose, a lesbian actress cast in the role of lesbian superhero Batwoman. Rose was excoriated by the woke brigade on social media because apparently she wasn’t lesbian enough.

To avoid this woke backlash and the cancel culture mob, white actresses Jenny Slate and Kristen Bell quit their roles voicing black characters on cartoons.

Slate stated, “black characters should be played by black people” and that her portrayal was “an act of erasure of black people.” Bell said, “This is a time to acknowledge our acts of complicity.” 

If only that Aussie Elizabeth Debicki would do her part and acknowledge that playing Princess Diana on The Crown makes her complicit in the erasure of English people and declare that English characters should only be portrayed by English people, then we could be one step closer to eradicating the art of acting and finally living in the glorious utopia of talentlessness we woke are obviously so desperate to manifest.

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